Massholes, missing families, and Mormons, oh my! It’s hometown dates week on The Bachelor, rose lovers.

Let’s recap!

Date No. 1: Juliana
Location: Newton, Massachusetts
Relatives present: Juliana’s mom Donna, dad Carl, sister Dominique, aunts Cheryl, Candy, and Lyn, uncles Paul, Tony, and Liam, cousins Andre, Marco, Marissa, Alana, and Danny P., and friends Mercedes, Paige, Nicole and Ali, and second cousins Vinnie and Dana.

(One quick note: As a fellow (former) resident of Massachusetts, I am allowed to use the term “Massholes.”)

Grant says his “connection” with Juliana is “romantic,” “intense,” “physical,” “emotional,” and “mental.” All the things! These may be the most specific things our Bachelor has said about any of his relationships – and they’re not very specific! Let’s hope we all get a little more “clarity” about these two today.

Today’s date activity: Hangin’ out, Italian style, in Newton, Mass. First stop, a local pizzeria, where the proprietor — who, like everyone else in Newton, knows Juliana — teaches Grant the proper way to make a pie.

Well, at least he’s handsome. After they finish cooking two heart-shaped pizzas for Juliana’s family, they pick up some flowers and cannoli and head to the big meet up. And it is going to be big: Mom, dad, siblings, friends, aunts and uncles, and at least one second cousin. (See list above.) “This is the first time I’ve brought somebody home in like six or seven years,” says Juliana, who is nervous about how her family is going to react. “I think they’re going to be very protective of me.”

Of course they are, honey! Producers will make sure they get all the Italian American stereotypes in before the day is through. “I’m a bit nervous going into tonight,” admits Grant. “I heard Italian dads are really protective.” Hey pal, you should probably worry about the dog, too. Look at this guy!

The gold chain is a nice touch. Anyhow, the entire backyard is filled to capacity with friends and loved ones. Grant gives a round of hugs, and then Carl raises his glass in a toast.

“Only 30 percent of the family could make it,” jokes dad. “Salud!” It’s a lot of people, but they all have one agenda: Make sure Grant is treating Juliana well. The Bachelor shows Donna his “lone wolf” tattoo and says he and Juliana bonded over their desire to go from lone wolves to being part of a wolfpack. In another room, Juliana cries to her sister about how much she cares about Grant.

Meanwhile, out back, Carl is informing the Bachelor that he can tell his daughter cares about him — and now he’s worried Juliana will get her heart broken. “What really attracts me to her is her character and her loyalty,” explains Grant. “I am falling for her.” He goes on to say that he would love to have Carl as a father-in-law, because he’s always looking to “learn” from a man like him, someone who has been a solid, consistent presence in his family’s life. Of course, Carl LOVES this answer and comes away from his conversation feeling better about Grant.

“Grant seems like a very level-headed individual,” says Carl. “He’s got a lot of priorities that align with mine.” And when he sits down with Juliana, pops is more than happy to offer his full blessing. “I love the guy,” he tells her. “He seems like he’s ready.” Indeed, before he says goodbye to Juliana, Grant drops the “I’m falling for you” bomb. Not quite the “I love you” or “I’m falling in love with you” revelation that we’re used to at this point in a Bachelor’s “journey,” but it’s more than enough for Juliana.

Date No. 2: Zoe
Location: New York, NY
Relatives present: Zoe’s sister, Faith; her Aunt Cherise; her Uncle Dave; and her friends Kat, Alex, and Mare

Grant begins his visit to New York City by offering the blandest praise possible for Zoe. He says she’s “wonderful” and “has a lot of traits that I’m looking for.” He’s hoping their date today will help them get to the proverbial “next level.”

They meet up for a stroll in Union Square Park, but production wants us to think they’re in Central Park, so they keep inserting shots of the latter throughout the scene. Grant says he’s willing to move to New York City — which is good, because Zoe is giving this b-ball player the full-court press.

It’s a full proposal-to-wedding themed photo shoot with the editorial team of Brides magazine. How are they tying this photo shoot to the “here’s an activity I normally do in my hometown” theme of these dates, you ask? Silly, don’t forget that Zoe is a model on the side. “Grant finally gets to see something that’s, like, more in my element,” she explains. The Bachelor agrees that Zoe is “glowing,” though he says, “it’s a little surreal to be taking engagement photos.”

Honestly, this date encapsulates everything that makes this show so f–ked up: It’s all about going through the motions rather than living the actual experiences. But that’s not our problem, is it, rose lovers? The photo shoot ends with Zoe in a wedding dress and Grant in a tux. Inexplicably, she tosses the bouquet over her shoulder to him. Uh, in this scenario, wouldn’t you two already be married? You know what, I’m overthinking this. Let’s move on.

As they share some champagne on the rooftop, Zoe tells Grant that he will not be meeting her adoptive parents; she cut off communication with them about a year ago, in part due to their “many vices.” Zoe says she’s given them many chances, but she’s not ready yet to restore that relationship. Instead, she’ll will be introducing Grant to her sister, aunt, and uncle, among other members of her “chosen family.”

Once all the introductions are over, the gang breaks off into groups. Zoe tells her aunt and uncle that she’s happy with how Grant makes her feel. “I need a man that’s strong enough for a strong woman,” she says. “That’s what I’ve seen from him.”

When Faith sits down with Grant, she gets right to the point.

The Bachelor’s answer — “I felt like either it was me or it was her that was holding back” — doesn’t make much sense. But he goes on to say that he’s since had two very illuminating conversations with Zoe that made him see her as a real wife contender. “We’re locked in,” he says. “Our connection just started later. It wasn’t too late, it was right on time.” Grant says that he’s also not worried about Zoe’s tensions with her parents, because he understands what it’s like to have a less-than-perfect family dynamic. Then he offers a very helpful hand diagram to explain where his feelings for Zoe are.

And Grant, you see, is somewhere in the middle. Again, not a super auspicious declaration for a hometown date — but Faith leaves the conversation feeling like the Bachelor could be a good guy for her sister.

For her part, Zoe also does not drop any version of “I’m falling for you” when saying goodbye to Grant. Instead, she says she feels “confident and hopeful.” Okay. Next!

Date No. 3: Litia            
Location: Star Valley, Wyoming
Relatives present: Litia’s mom, Maurie, her dad, Rob, her brothers Ethan and Jackson, and many aunts, uncles, and cousins.

“Litia balances me,” says Grant, as he meets Litia in the picturesque Wyoming countryside. “I feel like she’s going to make a great mother, a great wife.”

Gorgeous. As you might imagine, their date activity involves horses. Though he’s a self-described “city boy,” the Bachelor is excited to play cowboy. “My mom would love you,” he says. “She’s a country girl.” You hear that, Litia? Grant is practically begging you to return the “I’m falling for you” revelation he dropped on your last date. That’s your assignment for the day, okay?

Of course, there is one hurdle the Bachelor will have to clear before Litia feels comfortable Opening Up™ in that way: Accepting her religion as a Mormon. While Litia doesn’t come right out and say she’d need Grant to convert to Mormonism, it seems like that would be her ideal scenario. “My family is all Mormon,” she tells Grant. “You are the first person that I’d bring home that’s not also in our same religion.”

The Bachelor is certainly open to learning about Litia’s religion, but as a man of faith himself, his only concern is whether he and Litia could be “on the same page” about religion. His mother, he explains, was very religious and often fought with her husband about matters of faith — and Grant doesn’t want to replicate that pattern.

Since the Bachelor says he doesn’t know much about the Mormon religion, here are two not-so-fun facts: The Mormon church didn’t allow Black men to hold leadership positions until 1978, and they still don’t allow women to be officially ordained. Cool. No notes, Joseph Smith!

Grant is understandably a little nervous to meet Litia’s big LDS family. “I have tattoos. I wear earrings,” he says. “I do drink sometimes… I don’t want her family maybe resenting me or feeling like she went rogue on them.”

Don’t worry, sir — even if they felt that way, they’d never say it to your face (or on camera). But they will kick your butt in tug-of-war.

The Bachelor does have some pretty pertinent questions — “How will my family and my kids fit into the Mormon faith? Would they be Mormon?” — but we don’t see him posing said questions to Litia or her family. Instead, he just wants to observe these Mormons in their natural habitat and see if he could see himself being a part of their lives.

Litia’s dad, Rob, assures Grant that they are fine to accept him into their family even though he’s not a Mormon. “Within our culture, family is very important,” he continues, before pivoting to Litia’s ticking biological clock. “If you look around, most of her uncles all have four kids, five kids. And she’s like, ‘I’m 31 already — there’s only so much time left on the clock,’ so to speak.” In other words, Grant, if you pick Litia, a long engagement is out of the question. She’s got babies to make!

The Bachelor gets similar reassurance from Litia’s mom, who says as long as he has a “core value that God is important” in life and raising his family, they’re fine for him to marry Litia. It’s probably true that Litia and her family don’t need Grant to convert, but I would bet this show’s rose budget that they expect him to raise their kids Mormon — so he’d better be okay with that before he proposes.

Oh no, Litia’s having a heart-to-heart with her sweet grandpa. “I wish your grandma was here so much,” says grandpa, tearing up. “I just love her so much, and I miss her.” He can tell that Litia has real feelings for Grant, and he’s right. “I think that I love him,” she confesses. Grandpa approves. “If it works out,” he says, “I’m happy for you.”

STOP MAKING ME CRY, STUPID SHOW!

All that’s left now, rose lovers, is for Litia to tell Grant how she’s feeling. Still, she’s hesitant. Even though her family clearly loves Grant, Litia is afraid to say “I love you” the week before Fantasy Suites. “It would hurt my feelings if he slept with other girls,” she tells her mom. “I’m not going to sleep with him.” Maurie understands her daughter’s concerns, but she encourages Litia to take the risk. “He needs to know,” she insists. Okay, girl — you heard your mama. Go find your man and drop the l-bomb!

Nice work! Of course, the Bachelor LOVES it. “I am falling in love with you, too,” he says, smiling. “It’s definitely big for me.” They smooch goodbye, and then Grant heads off to his final date.

Date No 4: Dina
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Relatives present: None. Dina’s friends Enrita, Courtney, Miranda, Chantelle, Lauren, and others stand in for her family.

Dina meets Grant on the Michigan Avenue bridge, and she’s a little nervous. “I have something to tell him about my family,” she says. “I think that Grant may be disappointed. It’ll be a difficult conversation, but I hope that he’ll understand.”

Yeah, Dina’s family is not interested in being on a reality TV dating show, so Grant will not be meeting them today. Dina explains that her dad is a pastor, and that he’s “very into the church,” so neither he nor her mother was willing to participate in this Bachelor business. “I don’t want you to think that they have some issue with you, because they don’t at all,” adds Dina.

Grant is understandably disappointed, but he’s also concerned about how Dina’s feeling about the whole thing. She insists that this doesn’t change her feelings for him and believes that if they do move forward with their relationship, he will meet her family — “and they’re going to see how great you are,” she adds.

Welp, okay then. Dina and Grant do their best to enjoy the day, playing carnival games and going through a corn maze at Jack’s Pumpkin Pop-Up, but they’re both clearly feeling pretty bummed out. Maybe Dina’s friends can cheer them up!

Dina’s BFF, Enrita, and her friend Lauren pull Grant for a chat first. They watch him intently as Grant explains how he and Dina bonded over being driven in their careers, and how they’re both used to being the “givers” in relationships. “I’m very close to falling for Dina,” he says, adding that not meeting her family is a disappointment. “This journey is short. In a couple weeks, there’s a commitment.” Yeah, I think we’ve seen enough, rose lovers. Let’s head back to Los Angeles, shall we?

OMG, look who’s here!

It’s our sweet angel baby Joey Graziadei! God, how I miss that man. Remember when he was our Bachelor, rose lovers? Those were the days. Anyhow, he’s here to offer Grant some advice about how to navigate the rest of his time as Bachelor. “Take a beat when you feel something,” says Joey. “There are some really, really important steps left that you just have to make sure you keep your mind open to.”

Great advice, you adorable cherub. Meanwhile, producers are making the women hang out together and talk about how their hometown dates went.

Everyone gushes over how wonderful it was to see Grant with their family, which of course makes Dina feel even worse. “He did not meet my family,” she informs the other women. “It really sucked.” Still, she tries to stay positive. “Ultimately it was fine, because all my friends were able to come out,” says Dina. “It turned out to be better than I expected.” Grant gets one last piece of advice from Joey — “the gut feelings, you have to listen to them” — and then it’s time for the rose ceremony.

Not sure why they’re at the Los Angeles Theater instead of the mansion, but I’m not mad at it. Rose ceremony roll call! Your final three are… Litia, Juliana, and Zoe. Sorry, Dina, but you were right — your family’s refusal to meet Grant did give him pause. As the Bachelor walks Dina outside, the final three congratulate each other and raise their long-stemmed roses in a flower toast.

Dina and Grant have a very kind and civil goodbye. “I appreciate the moments that we had together,” he says. “I will treasure the time that we spent together,” she says. And with that, they part ways.

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Only a few episodes left, rose lovers! How are you feeling about Grant’s final three? Are you looking forward to the Women Tell All? And do you think we’ll see Dina in Paradise? Post your comments below!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.