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“Your child is autistic.” I can only imagine what it’s like to hear those words for the first time from your child’s doctor. I imagine it’s a complex mixture of devastation, sadness, fear, guilt, and anger. There may even be relief, because you knew in your gut that something was wrong, and it’s easier to deal with the known than the unknown. At least now, professionals can give you something to do.

It may surprise you to learn that many parents of autistic children will tell you their special child is one of their lives’ most enriching blessings. They found their way to that state of grace through self-compassion. If you are a friend of parents with an autistic child, you can learn how to encourage them. They can use your support.

What is autism?

Autism is a developmental disorder affecting information processing, as well as social and communication skills. The child’s interests are restricted, and they exhibit repetitive behaviors. They tend to be overly sensitive to stimuli, and they may experience discomfort in response to some sounds and lights.

The symptoms vary greatly, so the condition is said to exist on a spectrum, and the disease is referred to as autism spectrum disorder. “High functioning” autism is referred to as Asperger’s syndrome, but the term is no longer a specific diagnosis.

Autism symptoms usually become apparent before age two. It’s diagnosed four times more often in males than in females, although women are often overlooked or misdiagnosed. There has been a surge in diagnoses during the past two decades. It is not clear, however, if there are more children with the condition or whether assigning the diagnosis includes lesser degrees of impairment.

There is no cure for autism but there are practices and therapies that can help relieve symptoms.

Many parents characterize raising autistic children as a privilege, increasing family closeness, enhancing personal growth, and enlarging social networks. The same parents, however, experience greater levels of stress, depression, and anxiety than parents of children without developmental disabilities. It affects the parents’ relationships with each other and their other children, as well as their health.

During the past 10 years, increasing attention has been given to mindfulness as a method to significantly decrease stress. Within this field, self-compassion has been particularly effective for decreasing stress in parents of autistic children.

Self-compassion involves being kind to oneself during emotionally challenging times, being aware of one’s own negative emotions and thoughts, as well as acknowledging the shared nature of human suffering. It’s about giving yourself the same kind of understanding and kindness you would extend to a friend in the same situation.

Neff and Faso, in 2015, studied 51 parents of autistic children, which revealed a significant positive association between self-compassion and well-being. It was inversely related to stress and depression. They discovered that how parents relate to themselves is more influential to their experience of stress and well-being than the severity of their child’s condition. Numerous studies have validated this discovery, confirming that self-compassion is a powerful tool for stress reduction, is immediately available to parents of autistic children, and costs nothing.

Using self-compassion

What are the steps to self-compassion?

1. Start with noticing moments when you have an inner sense of being challenged. Notice if you are judging yourself as not OK, or berating yourself for not coping better. Recognize that rift between judging yourself or being compassionate with yourself. Do outside influences, like social media, interfere with you accepting your inner experience?
2. Let your feelings exist without trying to change them. That doesn’t mean wallowing in self-pity, but just noticing the feelings. Let them be.
3. How would you respond to a friend if they were feeling the same way? How would you comfort and encourage them? What words would you use? Use those words with yourself.
4. Remember that many other parents are having the same experience. It can help you feel less isolated and critical toward yourself and your feelings.
5. Do something for yourself that communicates support and kindness. A popular gesture among meditation teachers is to put your hand over your heart and visualize sending your heart warm, caring energy. The physical touch can help to release oxytocin, which supports good mood.

It seems deceptively simplistic, but it works.

If you enjoy journaling, you can turn the above sequence of steps into a letter-writing experience, working through the steps by composing a message of understanding and encouragement.

Research is increasingly highlighting the benefits of self-compassion. Current studies indicate that self-compassion can significantly alleviate the adverse effects of self-imposed judgment often experienced by parents of autistic children. It is particularly effective in mitigating unconstructive comparisons with individuals who have a limited understanding of autism. Additionally, self-compassion helps shield caregivers from negative social perceptions, thereby fostering a more accepting and supportive environment for autistic children within society.

Self-compassion is available to everyone

You don’t have to have an autistic child to have self-compassion. It isn’t weakness or frailty. It isn’t self-pity. It’s a place of truth. It’s true that you can genuinely change and grow. You’ll find yourself being more compassionate with others. Don’t be concerned that you’ll be trampled or must let down your boundaries. You can say no with kindness, and without being rejected. It’s fun to see someone soften when you respond softly. It’s a place of unexpected power. Try it today.