Damon Salvatore wasn’t only the roguish bad boy and dark romantic hero of The Vampire Diaries — he was also witty and charismatic most of the time. Unlike Stefan, who was known for his brooding nature, Damon always knew how to find humor in the worst situations, adding comic relief to even the bleakest of scenes on the fantasy show. In fact, his funny quotes were so darkly witty that they became one of the best elements of The Vampire Diaries.
While Damon did have emotional depth to him, he did not take his vampire life as seriously as his brother. His presence and snarky remarks made the show a whole lot more entertaining, and his sense of sarcasm and humor were definitely ahead of their time. Damon was by far the funniest character on the show, and his quotes were a highlight even in the most complex conflicts in The Vampire Diaries.
“Dear Diary, A Chipmunk Asked My Name Today…”
Season 3, Episode 16, “1912”
More often than not, Stefan was the subject of most of Damon’s jokes, especially the most mocking ones. Damon had always made fun of Stefan’s overly serious nature, and in this instance, began to imitate the way the younger Salvatore wrote his diary entries. He managed to get the tone and wording of the journal entries just right, but it was the content of his dialogue that made it hilarious.
“Dear diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today, I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.”
Stefan was too earnest for Damon’s taste, which was the main thing that he mocked in this impression of his younger brother. He felt that Stefan’s honesty and empathy were too much, and it hindered his own ability to survive and thrive. Stefan and Damon shared a typical brotherly bond, where they loved each other and also managed to tease each other, but Damon was usually the one who was cracking the jokes.
“If I Hear The Word Doppelgänger One More Time…”
Season 5, Episode 1, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”
The Vampire Diaries was full of doppelgängers, and after a point, the Petrova line was not the only doppelgänger line in Mystic Falls. In addition to Elena being one, even Stefan was revealed to be a shadow self of Silas, who had betrayed Qetsiyah with Amara. As twins and lookalikes poured in Mystic Falls, Damon had his two cents to offer about the absurd situation.
“If I hear the word doppelganger one more time, I think I’m actually gonna have to learn how to spell it.”
Through this quote, Damon subliminally pointed out what everyone was thinking, including the audience. Doppelgängers were central to the overarching arcs in The Vampire Diaries, but at one point, they were running wild in Mystic Falls. In his signature sassy style, he made it clear that he was tired of seeing the Petrovas and Salvatore lines everywhere, and exasperated by how they were the key to everything.
“There Is No Such Thing as a Bad Idea…”
Season 2, Episode 15, “The Dinner Party”
Damon thrived in being reckless and was proud of doing the most audacious things without thinking much about the consequences. When Alaric expressed his doubts about their plan to kill Elijah, who was an Original, Damon whipped out this perfect one-liner. He claimed that all ideas were great, and they only went bad when someone executed them badly and messed them up.
“There is no such thing as a bad idea. Only poorly executed awesome ones.”
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Damon was someone who loved to take risks and was even able to pull off the most impossible plans in a way that no one could. Fans loved to hear him articulate his thoughts because he always did it with wit, humor, and charisma. The worst ideas were Damon’s favorite ones, and this was how he justified his often rash and reckless nature.
“I Live In the Real World Where Vampires Burn In the Sun”
Season 1, Episode 4, “Family Ties”
The Vampire Diaries was released at a time when another vampire franchise, The Twilight Saga, was immensely popular with fans of the genre. While the show tried to keep itself distinct from it, Damon’s commentary always shed a light on the similarity (and differences) between the Cullen clan and the Salvatores. For starters, Damon was always mocking Twilight vampires for sparkling, as he claimed that “real” vampires burned in the sun.
“I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.”
This self-referential humor was quite a breath of fresh air, as the show made it clear that it was not taking anything too seriously. Damon loved to poke fun at the other franchise in indirect ways, sometimes even stating, point blank, how it made little sense. Through Damon, the writers were able to insert a playful jab here and there, which only added to the appeal of The Vampire Diaries.
“You Do Realise You Are Dating A Reformed Serial Killer, Right?”
Season 5, Episode 2, “True Lies”
While Damon Salvatore’s redemption was the highlight of The Vampire Diaries, he was also self-aware of all the crimes he had committed. He did not try to hide or erase his sins, instead owning up to them and admitting that Elena had forced him to be a better man. In one hilarious moment, Damon told her that she had to remember that he was a vampire and, therefore, a reformed serial killer.
“You do realise you are dating a reformed serial killer, right?”
No other character would ever admit to their wrongdoing the way Damon did, often choosing to sweep it under the rug. However, Damon managed to do it and also made audiences laugh when he did. He could be bitingly sarcastic yet authentic and wasn’t afraid to make fun of himself, which was what made him truly amusing on the show. Damon and Elena’s relationship was better for it.
“Tried To Kill a Werewolf…”
Season 2, Episode 4 — “Memory Lane”
Damon and Katherine may have turned from lovers to enemies, but they also had some of the most entertaining conversations in the show. Here, Damon expressed his disappointment at how he was unable to foil a werewolf, which he had only recently learned were real in their universe. Mason Lockwood had quickly become a threat to Damon, and he was intent on finishing him off.
“Tried to kill a werewolf. Failed. Now I feel like I’m not living up to my best self.”
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When he couldn’t, he told Katherine how much of a failure he felt as a vampire who could not bring down his mortal enemy. Only Damon could equate slaying his enemies to living up to his full potential, but Ian Somerhalder’s delivery for so fabulous that it did not even sound questionable. Even in his veiled threats, there was a nugget of that signature Damon Salvatore snark.
“What’s So Special About This Bella Girl?”
Season 1, Episode 4, “Family Ties”
In another, more direct reference to Twilight, Damon decided to pick apart Edward and Bella’s relationship. While being in love with Bella’s comparable, Elena in his own show, Damon wanted to know what made Bella so worthy of Edward’s love. He also didn’t quite agree with the degree of devotion that Edward had for his lady love.
“What’s so special about this Bella girl? Edward’s so whipped!”
What was ironic was that Damon was just as “whipped” for Elena as Edward was for Bella, but yet again the subtle breaking of the fourth wall was quite impressive. Caroline tried to explain to him that he had to read the books in order to understand the love story between Edward and Bella, but Damon continued his sarcastic comments about the franchise. It was great comic relief in the midst of a serious episode.
“Hey Stef, Remember When You Killed Dad?”
Season 3, Episode 13, “Bringing Out The Dead”
Damon never let go of a chance to poke fun at Stefan, which he did even in front of their enemies. As Damon and Stefan sat to negotiate a deal with Klaus, Stefan pointed out that Klaus had murdered his mother. Not one to let Stefan go without at least one taunt, Damon chimed in about one very important fact — that Stefan had also killed their father in cold blood.
“Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad?”
Giuseppe Salvatore was abusive and bigoted, but that still did not justify Stefan killing his father and drinking his blood. Damon felt that shaming Klaus for killing a parent was rich coming from Stefan, who had done the same. He was not going to let Stefan get away with this, even if it meant humiliating his brother in front of Klaus.
“…My Unflinching Ability To Listen To Taylor Swift.”
Season 1, Episode 4, “Family Ties”
What made Damon’s sense of humor so timeless was that it was funny back in 2009, and it continues to make people laugh even today. His dialogue made references to pop culture that remains incredibly relevant even today — this time, it was Taylor Swift. Damon knew the way to a girl’s heart and knew that it wasn’t just his looks, but also his willingness to listen to music that most women liked.
“Some girls can’t resist my good looks, my style, my charm, and my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift.”
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This quote is just as amusing for new viewers of The Vampire Diaries as it was for those who watched this when the series first premiered. Damon’s tongue-in-cheek pop culture references were surprisingly accurate, and he knew how to turn his charm on for ladies. His wit and humor were certainly a big part of his appeal.
“Am I Wearing My ‘I Blew Up The Council’ T-Shirt?”
Season 4, Episode 2, “Memorial”
In a shocking turn of events, the entire new Town Council, along with Pastor Young, was blown to smithereens with no real explanation. Seeing how Damon was always behind almost everything chaotic, he was faced with the same question over and over — whether he had blown up the Town Council or not. Since he wasn’t behind it, the vampire was perplexed by the allegations.
“Am I wearing my ‘I blew up the council’ t-shirt? Why does everybody keep asking me that?”
Damon was never one to shy away from owning up to the chaos he caused, but this one was not on him. In his typically hilarious way, he was heard saying whether he was wearing a T-shirt that said that he had killed the entire Council, because he had been asked this repeatedly. Any other character would have gotten frustrated, but Damon used this opportunity to say one of his witty one-liners.
