This week on The Bachelor, the dates began — and so did the “can I steal him” drama.

Let’s recap!

The “journey” kicks off in the Bachelor mansion kitchen, where the 18 remaining ladies share a traditional morning-after toast. Mimosas all around!

Once everyone’s got a nice morning buzz on, host Jesse Palmer walks in with the first group date card. Beverly, Sarafiena, Alli Jo, Natalie, Parisa, Vicky, Chloie, Zoe, Juliana, and Allyshia, get ready because as the date card says, “it’s time to shoot your shot.”

Seriously? Are producers really going straight for the basketball date? Isn’t that a little too on the nose?

I guess not. Way to keep it creative, Team Bachelor! But hey, it’s not just any basketball date — this one comes complete with a bunch of cute and rowdy children, who will be playing alongside the women. Let’s take a moment to appreciate Vicky’s face when she saw the kids come running in.

Good try faking that enthusiasm, honey! Grant introduces the women to their young coaches, Atticus and Journey, who will be putting the contestants through their warmup paces before the game. Everyone’s doing their best, and the Bachelor — who once again reminds us how much he wants to be a father — is having a great time hanging out with the kids. But things get weird during the slam dunk competition, when Zoe announces she’s going to forfeit her turn and instead “steal” Grant away for a few minutes. The ladies do NOT love it — and neither does Journey, our pint-sized coach.

“She should be disqualified!” announces another little girl. Totes agree, ma’am. While Zoe and Grant chat on the rooftop patio, everyone else mills around in the gym, complaining about their rival’s selfish mood. When Zoe and the Bachelor finally do return to the gym, one of the little boys wags his finger at them sternly, while Alli Jo grumbles, “B—- is smiling.”

Fortunately, Palmer arrives and breaks the tension with an airhorn and this predictable announcement: The women will be divided into teams for a game, and the woman who’s named MVP will get to take home Grant’s letterman jacket. (I’m sorry, a letterman jacket? Is it 1956 or something?)

Whatever. It’s time for Team Grant Prize (Zoe, Chloie, Parisa, Natalie, Zoe, and Beverly) versus Team Grant Slam (Vicky, Juliana, Alli Jo, Sarafiena, and Allyshia). Once the game gets going, there’s a lot of this:

“The point of basketball is getting the ball in the hoop,” Palmer reminds us helpfully. Sure, these women can’t really hoop, but they are leaving it all out on the court. And by “all,” I mean their nails.

“I lost three nails!” moans Zoe at halftime. She’s not alone: “Half of my team is missing nails,” says Vicky. “This is not a basketball game anymore — this is war.” Indeed, the tensions are even higher in the second half, and the claws come out on these otherwise nail-less women.

“Things got physical because of Zoe,” complains Alli Jo. “If you’re gonna push me, I’m gonna push back.” Alas, her forceful efforts are in vain, and the purple team wins, crushing Team Grant Slam 18 to 2. Chloie (who did eventually manage to sink a ball) wins MVP, the letterman jacket — and a kiss.

Chloie also gets the first sit-down with Grant at the afterparty. He praises her “radiance” and “mean layup,” and they smooch again.

Back in the holding pen, Alli Jo goes straight in on Zoe for stealing Grant at the gym. “We were all supposed to do a slam dunk,” she gripes, “and then you took him away for the entire time.” (Sarafeina and Beverly concur with a simultaneous, “Yeah!”) Zoe is defiant, saying she won’t apologize for her bold move.

Okay then!

Natalie sits down with Grant next, and the Bachelor gushes about how good she was with the kids during the date. He even has a video on his phone from the cute pigtailed girl: “I miss you already, Natalie!” (What’s up with all these phones being allowed in? I assume they’re just bricked production iPhones that have no internet access.) “Do you want kids?” Natalie asks Grant. Girl, what? The man never stops talking about how he wants to be a father! Natalie may be good with kids, but she’s apparently not a great listener.

I’m sorry… what’s going on right now? Is Grant giving Juliana an oily hand massage because she broke a nail? Yes. Yes, he is. This intimate moment leads to a smooch, which is soon interrupted by the OG Bachelor thief herself, Zoe. Juliana does NOT love it, of course, but she reluctantly gets up to leave. With Grant, Zoe is just a fragile little flower; she says she needs to feel “safe” in a relationship or else her walls will go up. “I can help you for sure with that,” says the Bachelor, and then they smooch. And that’s exactly when production sends Alli Jo upstairs to interrupt. Zoe tries to put her off for “two minutes,” but Alli Jo is having none of it.

She physically pulls Grant from Zoe’s clutches and takes him to a couch that is like 15 feet away. Fortunately, Alli Jo doesn’t spend her time with Grant complaining about Zoe. She talks about her father, about how she believes in “fighting for what you want,” and… oh crap. Guess who’s back. Back again. Zoe’s back. Tell a friend.

Naturally, this whole kerfuffle leads to a confrontation when Zoe gets back to the holding pen. “What is your problem?” Alli Jo barks at her. “You stepped on all of our toes on the date earlier… What is your problem with me that you need to interrupt me?” Zoe chooses not to respond, which only makes Alli Jo angrier. Hey Grant, please get in here and hand out the date rose before this verbal alercation comes to blows! And the “winner” is…

Congrats, Natalie! Now everybody go back to the mansion, climb into your tragic bunk beds, and get over it.

The next day, Alexe arrives for the season’s very first one-on-one date, which is taking place… near a Sunglass Hut in an eerily empty mall?

Instead of going shopping, though, Grant and Alexe are going to spend the day running wild through the Beverly Center, which producers seem to have rented out for the occasion. The Bachelor and his date ride around on some motorized doggie bikes, break a display bed by jumping on it too hard, pose as mannequins, and make an ice cream sundae so big, it would put anyone into a diabetic coma.

Oh, great. There’s a piano in one of the stores — and we know the Bachelor will take any opportunity to sing. He serenades Alexe with an impromptu composition (“I know/It takes two/to make it/I’ll never let you go”), and for a song he claims to have made up on the spot, it’s not terrible.

As it usually does, the conversation turns to family. “I didn’t have a traditional family,” Alexe explains. She didn’t see her dad for 17 years, and her grandparents raised her. Today, Alexe is estranged from her mother, but the whole experience led her to career in speech therapy with children. The date ends with Grant giving Alexe the date rose, and then slow dance to a cover of the Phil Phillips classic, “Sea of Love.” Something tells me they did not fix the broken bed — or clean up all those rose petals — before they left.

Group date number two is a similarly casual affair. Dina, Rebekah, Carolina, Rose, Bailey, Ella, and Litia meet Grant at the Bellwether in Los Angeles, where Mario is onstage crooning his 2004 jam, “Let Me Love You.” All the women are excited and sing along — finally, an artist these contestants don’t have to pretend to know!

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Good thing you’re getting your pipes warmed up, ladies, because today you’ll be writing your own love song and performing it in front of a live! studio! audience! Litia, for one, is freaked out. “It’s all of my worst fears one after the other,” she says. “We’re performing, and we’re singing. Dance? Never heard of her.” Don’t worry, hon — you’ll have some help from Robin Antin, the choreographer/mastermind behind the slut-pop sensation known as the Pussycat Dolls. Now, strap on those shiny tank tops and mile-high stilettos — it’s time to hit the stage! What’s that? Grant wants to sing first? Of course he does.

Maybe this guy should have signed up for American Idol instead of The Bachelor.

With that, the “Bach Street Girls” begin their performance. Each woman gets a moment to belt out their verse and bust a few moves. Everyone gives it their level best. Bailey does the splits, Litia sits on Grant’s lap, and Carolina serenades the Bachelor in Spanish. Rebekah, who has a pretty decent voice, gets right to the point with her song:

You can’t get much clearer than that. But in the end, it’s Carolina who wins the sing-off. Rather than dancing awkwardly with Grant on stage while Mario sings to them, Carolina brings the Bachelor to the couch at the end of the runway, climbs on top of him, and starts hoovering his face with her lips.

Welp, I guess we know she doesn’t have performance anxiety. The other women do NOT love it, and poor Rose is so upset she starts crying. Buck up, little camper! There’s always the afterparty.

The mood is still a little tense when Grant shows up for the cocktail party. “I got a weird vibe, a weird energy,” the Bachelor notes. He pulls Rebekah and asks her what’s up, and she gives him the standard “group dates are hard” answer. Grant’s a people pleaser, and he wants everyone to feel good. Unfortunately, sir, you’re the star of a show designed to make women turn on each other/feel bad about themselves — but we appreciate the sentiment.

Case in point: When Rebekah gets back from chatting with Grant, she relays the key points of their conversation, and soon Carolina realizes that the women are pissed at her for straddling Grant and smooching him so brazenly on stage. “Feeling bad for their situation kind of puts a damper on my happiness,” she says with a sigh. Carolina tries to explain her decision to the women — “that’s me trying to take advantage of the moment that’s already happening” — but there’s nothing she can say to make everyone happy. Oh great, now Carolina’s crying!

Things aren’t going to get any easier for Grant during his chat with Litia. You see, she was triggered (LOL) last week when he flirtatiously joked that she must not hear “no” very often because she’s so beautiful. As a matter of fact, sir, Litia says she hears no “all the time.” In fact, she was told no by her last serious boyfriend, who was not interested in marriage — much to her chagrin. And now Litia’s crying! “I’m sick of dating,” she says tearfully. Grant apologizes for his glib comment on night one, and thanks her for her honesty. Then they smooch.

Miraculously, Carolina does not cry during her one-on-one time with Grant. She expresses her disappointment about how her victory made the other women feel, but he assures her that she did nothing wrong and deserves to feel happy. Cool! I hope the Bachelor is ready to give that same speech to the recipient of tonight’s date rose:

Nice work, Litia.

The final cocktail party of the week begins with giving a toast, essentially, to emotional availability. He actually said, “Let’s have a cheers,” which is one of my biggest pet peeves about contestants on this show, but Grant seems like such a nice guy, I’m gonna try not to lose my mind about it.

And after all, the women are more focused on the Bachelor’s other statement, about emotional availability. The absolutely LOVE it. In the spirit of openness, Ella reads him a letter she wrote to him about how he makes her feel.

I’m no body language expert, but the fact that Ella practically has to put Grant in a headlock to get him close to her does not bode well for her rose chances.

Bailey goes next, and she cries to the Bachelor about how hard it is to be vulnerable. He tries to comfort her, but she’s so nervous she just keeps talking. “Ideally, not crying in front of everyone is not really my goal,” she admits — just as Chloie comes outside to interrupt. (Politely, I might add.) And thus, heading into the rose ceremony, Bailey is left to wonder if she’ll be sent home. “I feel like a lot of people have received way more validation than I have,” she laments.

Tink tink tink! In walks Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad News™. The cocktail party is over. Line up ladies, and let’s do this rose ceremony roll call! Juliana, Beverly, Sarafiena, Carolina, Zoe, Dina, Rose, Bailey, Parisa, Alli Jo, and Chloie join Litia, Alexe, and Natalie in the Circle of Safety™. Alas, that means we must say goodbye to Allyshia, Vicky, Rebekah, and Ella, who does not take it well.

There, there, Ella. You’re not really upset about this man you’ve known for approximately three days. You’re just sleep-deprived and generally overstimulated. Go home and get a good night’s sleep, and things will look much better in the morning. (Side note: I’m annoyed we never did get to learn what a “luxury travel host” does.)

To be honest, rose lovers, I’m a little surprised Grant sent Allyshia home. Now that week two is under our belts, who are you rooting for? Who do you love to hate? And for God’s sake, why is everyone wearing so much glitter??? Post your thoughts below!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.